Prologue
It had been a very long time since Grace had felt peace.
It was so rare that even the notion of it became a long-forgotten concept, so lost, so broken and misshapen that even if she were to have it, she probably wouldn’t even acknowledge or recognise it. maybe it was meant to be this way – to be so lost in the chaos around her, to be so numb to everything that she could simply move on and keep trundling forward; a reflex that had become akin to blinking or breathing, a habit vital to live.
But, maybe that was why that night was so truly different.
Maybe it was the glistening water that trembled slightly with the gentle breeze, maybe it was the coolness of the wooden jetty beneath her, or maybe, just maybe it was the gleaming stars above that provoked such warmth, hope and imagination; things that were almost lost to her – a fleeting glimpse of a dream that would disappear forever once her eyes blinked open and reality washed the vibrant colours away, as if they were a footprint to close to the oncoming tide.
Maybe that’s all that she was – a dream, a reality that wasn’t real or true, which could never truly make an impact on the world which surrounded her. She wasn’t running, she wasn’t a piece in another escape plan and she most certainly wasn’t vital in anyones survival. She was simply a girl; one who after all she had been through, finally found somewhere to rest, to contemplate silently in the serenity surrounding her – finally letting her thoughts become free, uncharted and boundless.
Grace knew she was better off as a dream. Something like her should never have been allowed to be created. Only she was, and the world was no better for it. The gentle zephyr blew across her face and tingled her nose with its brief chill. It resonated within her hollow bones, stirring something within her she thought long lost. She closed her eyes letting the breeze uplift, swirl and steal all of her thoughts, leaving her gently smiling into the distance – as if nothing she had experienced had changed her, as if she was the same woman that left for a better life all those years ago.
The more Grace thought about it, the more she realised how close she was to the peace she thought impossible. This simple idea struck her a considerable amount. Her eyes suddenly opened as she numbly moved a stray strand of loose hair from her face and stared wide-eyed out into the water. How could she have missed it? was she truly that far gone? The absurdity of it all was astronomical and was even enough to provoke a few disbelieving laughs to slip through barely contained lips. It wasn’t long before they all burst out like a flurry of madness into the still night, leaving the lonesome woman sitting on the edge of the jetty laughing manically into the silence.
She supposed it was always going to come down to this. There was never really any doubt or even choice in the matter when she really thought about it. It had been obvious when she met him; all light and smiles with a promise of adventure beyond anything she could possibly dream to imagine. It was obvious when the danger descended upon them, when she began to easily accept all the loss and sorrow along the way – when she almost completely detached herself from her emotions and stopped caring about the lives that surrounded her. It became overwhelmingly obvious when his personality would begin to shift into a vengeful, self-justified God that would undoubtedly cause them both immense miseries, no matter how brief or rare the outburst. But, perhaps, it became the most apparent when she began to see how necessary it was to their very survival to act like that, thus beginning to truly understand the horrors he had faced and the trauma that would undoubtably surface once pushed to his absolute limit. The tragedy was enough to make anyone go mad, and when up against what they were? Well, it was natural that it could break someone.
Oh yes. It was all so very obvious, very, very obvious indeed.
Only she had missed it entirely.
As the realisation shook away her years and years of imbedded denial, her shoulders began to tremble when the tears of her manic laughter slowly changed into tones of sobbed hysteria as she slowly, but completely, fell apart. Just a glimpse of her now compared to a few years’ prior would make her unrecognisable. She had been so vibrant, lively, kind, gracious, talkative, compassionate, merciful and so utterly and undeniably, human. Now, she was none of those things. She was as far removed from human as possible, despite what her bloodwork would clearly state.
Just the idea of the person that she had now become bore its way through her mind, into her pores and dredged its way through her like microscopic knives in the bloodstream, feeding her hate and self-loathing with pain she felt she rightly deserved for becoming the sadistic and cynical creature that now occupied the shoes of a long-dead and truly cheerful past. What she currently was and what she stood for could never be justified.
He always told her to not blame or lose herself, that she was beautiful inside and out, that her light was the most pure, wonderful and brilliant thing in the entire Universe; that it gave him hope that a better future could exist for them and that it was something worth fighting for with all their souls…
…he was just too naïve and in denial to notice that that light had already flickered out of existence.
There was no hope. Not anymore. Not for either of them.
They had both hurt and caused so much pain, especially her. He, at least, tried to heal and help others whilst she only hung around to tear out his stitches. That was who she was, all she would ever be. Grace had long since proved her younger self wrong by repeatedly doing the one thing she thought herself never capable of doing.
Murder.
She had taken so many lives and destroyed so many families and futures that she had begun to forget the names of the dead of who’s’ blood would forever stain her fingertips. Maybe it wasn’t even a matter of forgetting, maybe she just didn’t care enough to remember. After all that would make more sense if it were the latter, she supposed, because in the end wasn’t that what all killers do?
What monsters do.
No monster deserved the beauty the Universe had to offer. Not the stars, the sun or even the simple every-day wonders that all people took for granted, missed, avoided and wrote-off – just like she always had. Grace wondered if that had been why she chose that place, so remote, secluded and so undeniably beautiful.
The jetty she was sat upon extended far out onto the iridescent lake that spread out all around her. Though the slats were an old weather-worn brown, the stars and moon seemed to change and illuminate its pigment, giving it a blue-ish tint similar to the water surrounding. The distant silhouettes of far-off land were obscured by a soft, hazy mist which gently lifted from the water into the crystalline sky of deep obsidian. This was where Graces attention was drawn, to the cluster of radiant white lights that shone thousands of years out of her reach – stars she once believed to be in her grasp.
A forlorn smile slowly began to adorn her lips as she gently raised her arm towards the lustrous sky, her fingertips outstretching longingly as the once hysteric tears dripped silently down her face, leaving splodges of dampness on her burnt and torn shirt.
Yes, this must be what peace felt like.
It was calming and subtle, honest and enlightening, brutal yet fair. It opened your mind and allowed you to think.
And think she did.
She retracted her hand and looked out towards the sea, a steely and determined expression sweeping its way across her features. She briefly closed her eyes, sighed and gave herself a small nod. When she opened then again there was a clarity in them that had been terribly absent.
Grace knew what must and needed to be done.
As her grip tightened around the edges of the jetty she came to the realisation that not ever in a million years or lifetimes, would she ever change a single moment. He gave her a sense of life that she never knew possible, showed her the most extraordinary places and introduced her to people she never knew could ever exist. He opened her mind and – even if that was what ultimately led to her downfall – she was immensely grateful for it. he may have given her the tools needed to become what she was, but in the end, it was all her own doing. The least she could do was this small courtesy for a man who meant the entire Universe to her – that gave the entire Universe to her.
She looked to the sky one last time, smiling lovingly into the stars once more. He would be back for her soon, no doubt, but by then it would be far too late.
“Thank you,” she whispered quietly.
Grace closed her eyes, removed her hands from the splintering wooden slats and slipped silently into the water below her.
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