Through the gate
“The aunts are in.”
“Oh thank FUCK, now we don’t have to talk to her as much.”
Up the path
“Is the doorbell not working? Does this mean we can go?”
“Shhh, she’ll hear.”
“If she cannae hear the doorbell, then she cannae hear me slagging her off.”
“Here she comes, fuck.”
Through the front door
“Happy birthday Gran!”
“Oh, it’s the lassies, mon in.”
“Hi, hi, happy birthday.”
“You’re looking good Gran, yer no even in jammies today.”
“Don’t push it.”
“Aye haha, I’ve got they saft trousers on. The lassies are in the living room. Mon ben.”
Into the living room
“Ooh your hair’s nice.”
“Thanks, it’s clean.”
“How’re you keeping?”
“Aye.”
“Gran! We bought you chocolate. Open it so we can have some.”
“Eh aye, in a minute, thank yous. Want a cup of tea? Annemarie’s making.”
“Oh am I?”
“No, we’re good aren’t we?”
“Eh aye we’re fine thanks. Wouldn’t say no to some birthday cake though.”
“Right aye, I’ll get you a slice.”
“Me too please!”
“No bother. Mum? Tea?”
“Aye. Eh, naw, no fur me.”
“Right.”
“Aw I like my card, a wee cheeky monkey. Bet that Alice picked that.”
“Yup, that was me. Louise said to get a nice one, but I said Gran’s not nice so why should we.”
“Oi you, you’re no too old for a skelpt erse you know.”
“Kidding Gran, kidding.”
“No you’re fucking not.”
“Shut it you.”
Later
“Good cake Gran.”
“Aye it’s nice isn’t it.”
“It was one of those big cupcake ones. Tesco. Eleanor got it.”
“Nice.”
“What’s on the telly then?”
“Awk I don’t know, can’t bloody hear it anyway.”
“Told you.”
“Shut it.”
Later still
“Is Grampa in?”
“Aye. He’s upstairs ignoring me.”
“Nice.”
“He’s got his nose in a book again. Some rubbish about cycling when he’s no even been on a bike in fifteen years.”
“At least it’s not the Nazis.”
“Aye, I suppose yer right enough.”
A wee bit later
“Nicole’s coming up, she’s just left mcdonald’s on her way back from work.”
“Aw, that’s nice of her. Away through and stick the kettle on for her coming.”
At the next ad break
“Right we’re away home lassies, want a run down?”
“Do we?”
“Wanna hang on for a bit?”
“Aye, nah, we’ll stay and say hi to Nicole.”
“Right enough, see you later.”
“Aye. Safe home, n’night!”
Later again, if that’s possible
“Happy Birthday Gran! You look great!”
“Aw thanks hen, mon in and have a wee seat.”
“Hello you two! Yous alright?”
“Hey.”
“What did you get in Mcdonalds?”
“Nuggets. Want some?”
“I mean… if you’re offering.”
Six nuggets each later
“Aye well we’ll be off then.”
“Yeah, happy birthday Gran.”
“Aw I’ll see yous out. Thanks for my card and the chocolates.”
“Awk nae bother.”
“Aye, love you. See you soon.”
“Bye”
Down the path
“Wave.”
“I am fucking waving.”
“Bye Gran!”
“Bye!”
Out the gate
“The cake was dry.”
“She didn’t even open the fucking chocolates.”
“There’s always next year.”
“Fuck, here’s hoping.”
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