Introduction to Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum

Human beings are so hooked on favourites. I’ve often found that it’s among the first questions you get asked; your choices are always brought into the equation. Your favourite colour, your favourite food… You get the gist. I’ve never really held that fascination with favourites. My likes and dislikes often find themselves swinging like a pendulum, so they’ve never really fit in with my modus operandi. However, I do have one favourite thing—my favourite time of day.

I like the time of day just before the sun comes up. Usually, around 5 or 6 o’clock in the morning and the light is beginning to seep through. The difference, however, is that the sun isn’t glaring you in the face yet – just treating you to a soft and gentle dose of delicate greys and hints of pale blue. And you don’t often get to see it, because typically the sight is saved for students who have found themselves up working all night on something they have little to no time to waste on, or for freaks like me who stay up all night scrolling through their phone for something, anything, to give them that hit of dopamine they so desperately crave. Funnily enough, that hit never comes until that colour seeps in. Though I’ve often had one of the worst nights of my life, tossing and turning in my covers until I can’t stand the feeling of cotton against my skin for one more damned second, I find myself smiling. Smiling and lying completely still.

It’s one of those mornings this morning. I haven’t slept a single wink since I got to bed at 10 o’clock, and yet I’m smiling at the cracks in my blinds, at that gentle winks of the day ahead, greeting me to the torment that will lay before me. Life doesn’t seem so bad for just a second. The gentle chirping of birds crept in through my window. I can’t even hear myself breathe. The only detection of myself even existing in this moment is the scent of hair dye emanating from my head.

The world is mocking me this morning. It’s saying to me, oh so gently, “hey, why don’t you have a great day today sweetie? You have fun, enjoy yourself!”.

HA!

What bullshit…