Self Preservation

Trigger Warning: Mentions of the following - threats of death, weaponry, unacknowledged abusive connections

V0Y10 had never been one for the ocean view – being majorly made of components that could easily fall victim to rust. He had always associated being near the ocean with the high chance of falling in and never waking up again. He wasn’t scared. Alex had once asked if what he thought of the sea was just him being scared and-

No.

It was more like a calm feeling of self-preservation.

Being scared was what he felt when there was a gun pressed to his head. Being scared was watching Zora casually mention the ease with which she could remove his power crystal from his chest. Being scared was noticing the deep blue his people wore with pride on the horizon and realising that, yes, this time it was them.

Being near the ocean was much more like an explicit acknowledgement of the potential of something to happen. It tasted much more like disgust, though there were many features to the ocean that made it charming.

Self-preservation.

The same thing had been tossed directly out the window as soon as he decided to spend time with Sorin.

Sorin was everything that self-preservation wasn’t.

Sorin was finding excitement in moments of near death. Sorin was throwing yourself directly into the firing line to keep another person safe. Sorin was knowing full well that you’d come out of this with scars if you came out at all and doing it anyway.

Sorin was exciting.

Maybe that was why V0Y10 found himself becoming more and more attached to the ocean view. Because Sorin liked it, and Sorin was selfless. Alex had said so. Of course, Alex had also used a few more choice words like “reckless”, “self-denying”, “altruistic”, and V0Y10 was confused as to which of those were actually positive.

So, whenever they visited Cabidans’ capital city of Ciuedath, V0Y10 and Sorin were always among those that wandered out. The entire country was a coastline. The town, while typically grey, was utterly stunning on the days the weather cleared. The trading that needed to take place today wasn’t vital. However, there was never any real restriction on how many people should stay with the ship, or that was what V0Y10 had picked up. So, while Alex ran off with his sister into the city’s borders to get the jobs completed as quickly as they could and enjoy the day, he and Sorin took to the coastline.

Compared to their typical daily life, the strange neutrality that Cabidans held proudly was a relief. Relief was a peculiar emotion that V0Y10 quickly became acquainted with, finding some joy in feeling it rush through his system.

'How often do human beings feel relieved?' He asked. Sorin looked at him as they walked along the shore, a rare smile crossing his features.

'It’s not exactly the most common feeling. Then again, most folks don’t work like us. Revolutionaries do find themselves feeling relieved more often than most – but we work in dangerous conditions, we’ve got things to feel relieved about.'

'Can you feel relieved about small things?'

'Sure. You can feel relieved that you made it to the dock on time. You can feel relieved that the meal you’re cooking turns out the way you expect.'

'So, it always comes with the feeling of dread beforehand?'

Sorin nodded, and his eyes were framed in that shape that evoked pity. He didn’t really understand pity yet. It wasn’t an emotion he had picked up within himself.

'Why do you pity me?' V0Y10 asked once more, and Sorin actually laughed.

'I mean, it’s pretty obvious if you aren’t majorly robotic, Vanya,' He said, a grin staying spread across his face. 'You’re experiencing emotions for the first time. It’s not something that a human being does, well… Not typically,' He murmured.

'And that is pitiable?'

'Well, yeah. You know pity is based on feeling bad at the misfortune of others, right?' V0Y10 nodded in response, 'So, you not knowing what emotions are is something I consider misfortunate, and I feel bad for you that you’ve had to wait this long. Especially with complicated figuring out of it all, it’s all second nature for us?'

'I see. I suppose that makes sense. I had never thought of thinking about it like that.'

'Doesn’t mean I think of you as weak though, I hope you know that.'

'I did not think anyone could perceive me as weak.'

'I don’t think so either, to be fair with you.'

It was at this moment that Sorin paused and pulled his shoes and socks off of his feet. He grinned as his feet buried into the sand below. Holding his footwear into his left hand, he held out his right. V0Y10 reached out and took it. Hand-holding felt warm, he found, and he was thankful for his lack of sweat-glands as he was sure that this would become uncomfortable after a while if he did have them. Glancing further to his right gave a view of the great ocean that divided the world between Cabidans, Burzuluiala, Vo Hieu and Isadel.

'Do you miss Vo Hieu?' Sorin spoke quietly as V0Y10 stared across the glassy ever moving blue.

'Not particularly. I do not think I have ever really thought about it. It is not something I would like to attach good emotions to if that is what you are suggesting.'

Sorin’s thumb ran across his, and he found himself looking back to his companion. He glanced down at their intertwined fingers and smiled.

'I appreciate this. You. Grounding me.'

Sorin cocked an eyebrow as he smiled, 'My hands ground you?'

'Yes.' He replied, certainty dripping from the statement. Though waking up, feeling emotions plagued his refractory period, feeling Sorin’s hands on his face and his hands had given him a sense of reality. He’d never say it out loud though, he didn’t want Sorin worrying any more about him than he already did.

'Well… I’ll just have to do it some more then, won’t I?'

The silence that filled the air between them became comfortable.

Sure, V0Y10 was self-preserving. It was in his code, which he couldn’t directly turn against. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t appreciate being a little “altruistic” at times. With the acknowledgement of warmth in his left hand, he found himself ignoring the code pushing for self-preservation, enjoying the fascination of muted orange meeting blue instead. He let the gentle sound of the ocean’s wind remain uninterrupted as the night raced towards them.

His self-preservation need not be acknowledged at the moment. Not when Sorin was around to be self-less.